I always want to be 100% transparent with you all and while the majority of my blog and social media channels portray positivity and happiness, that isn't always the case. Like everyone else, I go through dark times and deeply struggle with various things in my personal life. While the majority of my days I am smiling ear to ear and consumed with happiness, I break down and cry some days, and others I feel lonely and sad. And I think those struggles, like the one I am about to share with you all, need to be talked about more. Because these are the types of posts that I truly believe can help touch people in the most special of ways.
The past couple days I have been scrolling through my social media channels seeing countless posts along the lines of, "My daddy is my hero" and "Happy Father's Day to the most inspirational man in my life". While reading these, I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me. The feeling of sadness, hurt, and pain. About three months ago, I went through the hardest breakup ever, one that no child should ever have to experience. I broke up with my dad.
I am writing this for all of you that may not be all that thrilled about celebrating Father's Day. To those that have been struggling in a toxic relationship. But I am also writing this for those out there that have plans to have a big cookout with your dad or spend the day on the lake with him today. You all are so incredibly lucky to have a father that cherishes you and loves you to the ends of the earth. Never take that relationship for granted.
To those that were incredibly brave and chose to separate yourselves from a toxic father-child relationship, I am so proud of you. Being deeply hurt, over and over again, by the person that is supposed to love you is the worst kind of pain. These types of toxic relationships come in all different forms. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, holding you to unrealistic expectations, always making you feel like you're not good enough, jealously, constant criticism and judgment... the list goes on. Luckily, I was not in a physical abuse situation. For those of you that were or are, I hurt for you.
In my situation, I felt extremely weighted down. I felt like I was the problem and like I was never going to be good enough. I felt like he cared more about his friends than he did his own family. Which he proved time after time. The constant smell of alcohol and bloodshot eyes. The late nights and sleeping in until the late afternoon. The missed dinners. Driving into town only to see his truck outside the bar at 11 am. The embarrassment that overwhelmed me. I was consumed with anger and hurt. The question of "why?" drowned my thoughts. This feeling of anger eventually turned to sadness. I was so incredibly sad and this emotional state began to effect my other relationships. I was terrified of loving but at the same time craved love. I felt alone in a crowded room. I would cry my eyes out during father-daughter dances at weddings because I was reminded that I would never have that special bond at mine. Once I struggled through the sadness phase, I felt empty. I came to a realization that I didn't care anymore. I told myself enough is enough... and that I deserved so much more.
For those of you that finally decided enough is enough and chose to breakup with your toxic father, you are so much stronger now. And you are beyond brave. A father is someone who is supposed to be your biggest supporter and there for you at your lowest points. A father is supposed to give you his all, influence you, and be your constant motivator. He is supposed to be your hero. By choosing to separate yourself from this dark cloud in your life, you are so much better off.
You need to know that none of this is your fault. You can't change him. As a child, it is never your responsibility. It is up to him to want to change and be a better man. It is up to him to realize how immature and reckless he is being. It is up to him to choose to put his family first.
Ever since I broke up with my dad, I have felt an enormous dark cloud dissipate and my days have gotten brighter. Of course, I still have those feelings of hurt try to work their way back into my life, but I remind myself how much better off I am without toxic people around me. Life is so incredibly short... it is not worth it to try and fix people that can't be fixed. And it is most certainly not worth it to have someone in your life that does not build you up.
I'm so proud of all of you that have stood up for yourself and chose to put yourself first. Whether that was in a relationship similar to mine, with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or even with a toxic friend... you are so much stronger now. And you are stronger than they will ever be.